You know the part in Napoleon Dynamite when Jon Heder, Napoleon, goes “Tina you fat lard come get some dinner.”? He was talking to me. I am Tina. Tina is me.
unlike llama Tina, however, nobody has to ask me twice. You say food and I’m there at least when I haven’t taken my Adderall (zombie mode meds) that is. That and Japanese culture has been my life’s theme this week. Random? not really, I went to a bomb ass restaurant, Two Ten Jack (go so your taste buds can experience what dreams are made of while you’re eyes can see how one can make a sea creature on a skewer pretty) with two
dear (…ew I’m not a 64-year-old relaying the risky day of bridge I had with said ‘dear friends’ to my grandchildren, promise..?) *close friends of mine, got a Japanese candy from my International business class yesterday and lastly but most on my mind currently I bought a kimono dress at 12:00 a.m. on Wednesday that arrived today.
Now, you see, here’s the problem- that story is pretty much what this week has consisted of. food, friends, and then remembering that I’m not actually able to let myself go yet (the second I am expectedly pregnant with someone where the love is mutual I am going ham on food. like, future hubby and/or baby daddy (cuz sometimes, marriage doesn’t last folks. it is what it is. don’t marry someone expecting it but like… if it’s not working and y’all have tried then O.T. Genasis that ish and cut it) , expect me to be No face/Kaonashi from Hayao Miyazaki’s Spirited Away when he was going through that weird PMS on overdrive moment and was like devouring everything in sight. honestly, now that I think of it the scene was terrifying. but no, yeah, that’s gonna be me. I’ve warned you.) I mean I could let myself go now but I’m not prepared to be big, bold and beautiful yet (I admire the Adele’s and Tracy Turnblads (Hairspray) of the world, however, I am not that fabulous to fuck societies sad standards at the moment… hopefully, standards go down (side note FUCK the Lady Gaga haters… smd.) or my fabulosity goes up but until then, imma try to fit into my old skinny-me-dresses mocking me from my closet like Kylie Kardashian mocked mother nature when denying she got her lips done, happy you finally admitted it. I support you and your choice- your lips look great. *throwin a mad fist bump your way* from across the states. That being said, tonight- I will be attending a date party. Excited? yes, but like low key fearful because I feel my kidneys are being featured in the movie Black Swan: Internal Kidney Edition- left side: white swan Natalie Portman, right side: black swan Natalie Portman. Who will perform to the nines and who will become just a broken down ballet prop? only tonight can tell. None the less, I’m going with G(o)att so if I feel my body is having its way with me I feel okay with letting it be known and seeking refuge in another location preferably where I can sit pitifully and be cuddled (holla to my over dramatic counterparts in this united moment we stand). With date parties, come dresses with dresses comes the question whatever will I wear? does it look good? if I were a dude would I want to bang me? am I going to suffer a nip slip (pretty sure everyones seen them. not uncommon. they come out all the time. basically, they are Ryan Seacrest just popping out when the opportunity arises to give us the update that he’s still relevant and has news for you (love you RyRy))? can I twirl in it? can I get down and dirty in it? is it classy and if it’s not classy is it stunningly sensual without Anna Nicole Smithing it (rip my crazy ~hypothetical~ comrade)? You see? these are the things one, in particular, women, transvestites, metrosexuals and/or curious men must/are forced to ask themselves before committing themselves to any sort of garb.
Of course, these questions get only emphasized when you feel like Fat Bastard pre-weight-loss. That is why I have listed body types as well as the styles that fashionistas say look good on that certain type… So when you’re feeling a little Lana Del Ray Sad Girl about yourself no worries! Look below and feel the rush of inspiration run through your veins.
Men~ How to Dress For Your Body Type 101:
- Decipher which body type you are
- Follow the rules applied to your type
Congratulations! You won fashion. If your body is defined by a reasonably broad set of shoulders and chest and a gentle taper from the top down through the waist, hips and legs, then you might want to consider moonlighting as a mannequin.
Why? Because you’re pretty much the Vitruvian man. At least as far as off-the-rack clothing manufacturers are concerned. You’re well-proportioned – as long as your head hasn’t doubled in size yet – and so needn’t worry much about adding to, or detracting from, particular parts of your body.
What this means is that you can try your hand at pretty much every trend, cut and seizure-inducing print and probably still look good.
“Being one of the more athletic body shapes, Trapezoids should take full advantage of the sportswear-inspired look dominating menswear at the moment,” says Tony Cook, Menswear Editor at FarFetch.
“Try pairing slim-fitting tailored trousers with fine-knit jumpers, sneakers and techy items for an all over modern approach to showcasing your slim frame.”
The Inverted Triangle
Is your celebrity lookalike Johnny Bravo? If so, it’s time for some home truths (and to quit staring at yourself in the mirror).
Men with a chest and shoulders significantly broader than their waist and hips are – although likely no strangers to a barbell and in pretty good shape – still technically off-kilter and so can benefit from a few fit fixes to bring them closer to a Trapezoid’s proportions.
Your main aim here is to add bulk to your midriff and lower body, while slimming down the size of your upper torso slightly.
- Horizontal stripes. Particularly from the chest down, as they’ll broaden your comparatively narrow waist.
- Regular V-neck T-shirts. Note that we’re specifying ‘regular’ here – extreme V-neck tees have no place in your wardrobe unless you earn your crust appearing in a Shore-related reality TV show. Regular V-necks narrow your chest slightly while drawing the eye down and away from the broadest part of your frame.
- Slim-fit shirts. But remember to size up – chances are you have a body you’ve worked hard for, so celebrate the fact by showing it off without screaming about it.
- Straight-leg trousers and jeans. Many slim fits will work, too, but nut-crunchingly skinny legwear only serves to accentuate your slimmer lower half, giving the appearance that you skip leg day. Even if you don’t.
- Patterned legwear. Placing the party firmly at the bottom of your look with camo shorts or checked trousers distracts from your comparatively broad upper torso.
- Structured tailoring. Suit jackets and blazers with shoulder padding and wide (especially peak) lapels will only emphasise your mass up top. Steer towards unstructured silhouettes to streamline your frame instead.
- Scoop necklines, as well as prints, colour pops and/or detailing on the shoulders – all of which will focus attention on your wide shoulders and negatively skew your look’s balance.
“For the inverted triangle shape, slightly stretchable cottons or fine wools work well,” says Cook.
“A slim cotton polo shirt with a small percentage of spandex will allow stretch across a broad set of shoulders and chest while creating a tailored look around the waist. The smart collar detail styled a little undone will elongate the neck on broad frames, too.”
Body more b-baller than brawler? Usually tall and thin, rectangular body shapes have shoulders roughly the same width as their waist and hips.
Since this can often appear samey, you’ll need to create an illusion of structure – using clothing to widen the shoulders while also adding the effect of a subtle taper from your top down.
- Horizontal stripes. Especially across your upper torso (think Breton short- and long-sleeved tees), as they’ll add brawn where there likely isn’t much.
- Structured tailoring that’s tweaked to suit you. Once you’ve found structured blazers and suit jackets that add size to your shoulders, have your tailor take them in slightly at the back to emphasise your waist.
- Layered looks. A button-down shirt and fine-gauge crew neck jumper is a no-fail pairing that’ll add instant bulk to your frame.
- Scarves. A neatly tied or draped scarf is an easy way to add a point of difference to your look, as well as flesh out your upper torso.
- Prints, colour pops and detailing across the chest and shoulders. Pops of brighter colours up top or details like epaulettes will expand the dimensions of your otherwise ramrod frame.
- Double-breasted jackets. Unsurprisingly, tailoring cut in the shape of a rectangle does little to nothing for rectangles. Try a single-breasted style with plenty of structure in the shoulders instead.
“Creating a nipped-in silhouette across the middle of the body is both key and easy to achieve,” says Cook.
“For tailoring, make sure you opt for single-breasted styles. When off-duty, create shape by contrasting layers such as a shirt or a cardigan over a crisp white T-shirt or vest to create an extended V-shaped panel on the upper section of your body.”
First up: this isn’t a euphemism for fat. While, yes, your body will probably appear more triangular if you’ve been hitting the lager and curries heavy, many of us are simply predisposed to being larger around the waist and hips and relatively narrow up top.
But, although being triangular doesn’t necessarily mean you’re in bad shape, it does mean most clothing is engineered in proportions that are virtually the exact opposite of your body’s. Which means you’ve got your work cut out for you in finding flattering clobber.
- Vertical stripes. This pattern’s streamlining effect lengthens and slims down your silhouette. Horizontal stripes, on the other hand, only help if they’re from the chest up.
- Jackets with structured, rather than slouchy, shoulders. The former (an overcoat, for example) will square off your frame, while the latter (a relaxed bomber) only exaggerates your already sloping shoulder line.
- Single-breasted suits. These lack the waist-centric bulk of double-breasted styles, allowing for a more relaxed, slimming fit. Also, if your triangular frame is in fact owing to extra poundage, then find tailoring that’s structured at the top but has plenty of drape (cotton, wool-blends and linen) – this kind of suiting won’t constrict around problem areas like your gut, seat and thighs.
- Brighter colour panels and detailing across the chest and shoulders. These help broaden your narrow upper torso. For even better figure-fixing, try crew neck tees, sweats and jumpers with colour panels across the chest but a slimming darker colour like black, dark grey or navy around the mid-section.
- Fitted polo shirts and roll necks. Both of these styles – although smart – slenderise the neck and shoulders while accentuating any roundness in the waist.
- Brighter colours and busy prints. Unless you use them as above, or work them into your outfit as accents in the form of glasses, pocket squares, socks and trainers. Bold belts will only draw attention to your hefty halfway point.
- Skinny fits and extreme tapers. Narrow legwear draws the eye to the centre of your body. Since this where you’re likely roundest, you’ll want to swap these out for straight- and wide-leg fits that better distribute size throughout your silhouette.
“Creating balance and shape here is key,” says Cook. “Try a more creative approach to tailoring by pairing checked blazers with solid trousers and even a fitted waistcoat. The mix of prints and solid colours will create the illusion of shape and take visual focus away from more ‘problem’ areas.”
While there’s a tendency for those of us past our prime to acquire an oval shape, some of us round out as early as puberty.
Oval shapes appear round, particularly at the centre of the body, with shoulders and lower legs looking slimmer by comparison.
To undo some of an oval shape’s negative effects, you’ll need to add structure and width to shoulders to square them off but streamline and slim down the body from the chest through to the knees.
- Vertical stripes. Like a Triangle, an Oval can benefit from a vertical stripe’s slimming effects – try a shirt or pinstripe trouser.
- The right length. Pay extra attention to sleeve and trouser length as any excessive gathering of fabric will only result in shortening the limbs.
- Fitted, loosely tapered trousers. These will flatter your legs without making them appear excessively narrow or shapeless in the way skinny, tightly tapered or wide-leg styles would, respectively.
- Horizontal stripes, busy prints or contrast colour pops. Unless they’re judiciously placed at – and restricted to – your narrower areas.
- Statement or coloured belts and double-breasted tailoring. See: Triangle.
- Boots, if you’re a shorter-limbed Oval. These will make your legs appear even shorter.
“Stiffer, solid fabrics that hold their shape are best for this frame,” says Cook.
“Key casual menswear pieces that generally fall under the ‘workwear’ category – such as straight-fit indigo jeans, thick canvas jackets and overshirts – tend not to hug the body and often come in flattering yet masculine shades and feature subtle print details.”
Thank you Cillian O’Connor at fashionbeans.com for writing this article “How to Dress for Your Body Type” men’s edition. Bonus- if you go to the website you can click on the article of clothing you like and it will take you to the cite 🙂
Ladies~ How to Dress For Your Body Type 101:
- Decipher which body type you are
- Follow the rules applied to your type
The Pear Body Shape
Pear-shaped celebrities: Kim Kardashian, Eva Mendes, Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Katherine Heigl
- Pear body traits: Your lower body is wider than your upper body — in other words, your hips are wider than your shoulders. Your bottom is rounded and your waist is well-defined.
- Your best assets: Shoulders and torso
- Your fashion goals: Emphasize your waist and arms, add volume to your shoulders and upper body.
Dos and don’ts
- DO try A-line skirts
- DO keep hems of pants, skirts and dresses wide to balance the hips.
- DO experiment with light-colored tops and dark-colored bottoms for contrast.
- DO look for boat neck tops, square and cowl necklines.
- DO wear strapless dresses to show off arms and even out proportions.
- DO try styles with ruffles on top.
- DO wear jackets that hit right above the waist.
- DO opt for pointy-toed shoes to elongate your legs.
The Inverted Trangle Body Shape
Inverted Triangle shaped celebs: Naomi Campbell, Demi Moore, Renee Zellweger, Audrina Patridge, Teri Hatcher
- Inverted Triangle body traits: This body shape features a broad chest and wide shoulders with narrow waist and hips.
- Your best asset: Your legs
- Your fashion goals: Accentuate your lower body while softening your shoulders and upper body.
To flatter all body types and especially the distinct wedge shape, Colleen Bayus, personal stylist at StylingbyBayus, advises, “Accentuate and drawn attention to what you like. Do you have great shoulders and arms? Go strapless and wear a statement necklace to draw attention up. Tiny waist? Use a fabulous belt to really show it off. If you’ve got great legs, opt for something shorter but that has sleeves to give you some balance — so you’re not showing too much at any one time. Also, shapewear is a must regardless of your size. It smooths you out and gives you a great silhouette.”
Dos and don’ts
- DO wear bright colors on bottom.
- DO wear wide-leg pants.
- DO wear full skirts.
- DON’T wear spaghetti-strap tops.
- DON’T wear boat neckline tops.
- DO experiment with high-waisted styles.
- DO look for clothes that create the illusion of a waist.
The Rectangle/Lean Column Body Shape
Rectangle-shaped celebs: Natalie Portman, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Hilary Swank
- Rectangle body traits: The waist, hip and shoulder widths are similar.
- Your best assets: Your arms and legs
- Your fashion goals: Create curves and show off slender legs and arms.
Dos and don’ts
- DO wear scoop neck and sweetheart tops to create curves.
- DO wear long jackets to create a lean look.
- DO wear tops with collars, ruffles and details to flatter your chest.
- DO wear a good bra that will make the most of what you have.
- DON’T wear overwhelming styles.
- DO layer to add more dimensions.
- DO wear dresses with ruching. Cinches on sides are ideal.
- DO have fun with colorful bottoms… feel free to experiment.
The Apple Body Shape
Apple-shaped celebs: Drew Barrymore, Queen Latifah, Eva Longoria, Jennifer Hudson
- Apple body traits: Most of your weight is above the hips, which are narrow. Your back, ribs and shoulders are broad.
- Your best asset: Those legs!
- Your fashion goals: Elongate the torso and show off your legs
Dos and don’ts
- DO go for monochromatic looks.
- DO go for v-neck tops to create the illusion of a longer torso.
- DO wear a bra that offers good lift and support.
- DO wear belts at the smallest part of your waist.
- DO wear empire tops and dresses.
- DO wear boot cut and flared jeans to create an even line from the shoulders down.
- DO wear shorter skirts to show off your legs and draw attention away from your midsection.
The Hourglass Body Shape
Hourglass-shaped celebs: Beyonce (borderline Pear), Salma Hayek, Scarlett Johansson, Halle Berry, Vanessa Minnillo
- Hourglass body traits: Your shoulders and hips are similar in proportion and set off by a tiny waist.
- Your best assets: Curves, curves, curves!
- Your fashion goals: Show off your curves
Dos and don’ts
- DON’T hide your curves with baggy clothing.
- DO wear a good bra and showcase your bust.
- DO wear fitted dresses.
- DO wear a belt at the waist to enhance your hourglass shape.
- DO try wrap dresses.
- DO go for high-waisted skirts.
- DO pick thin, lightweight styles and fabrics.
- DO wear skinny or straight leg jeans.